I do my make-up while kneeling on the ground and rocking the bouncer that doesn’t bounce quite enough for my little dare devil with my right foot. I eat raw vegetables and the most exotic foods I can find because I know my baby will taste them too. I take walks on the beach not just to tone my patoot but so my baby can experience the sea breeze on a sunny day. Being a mom is fun.
Today we went to a balloon release to commiserate the loss of a little boy. It would have been his 6th birthday. As his mother spoke to her son whom she lost to a rare form of cancer affecting only children I cradled my 6 week old daughter. I couldn’t help but realize that she had taken the same journey I am experiencing now. She did her make-up in haste while attempting to calm her cranky son, she learned how to cook his favorite meals and more times than not she put herself second for the love of her child. None of it is fair, none of it fortunate. I don’t know how she gets through each day continuing to live in a world that doesn’t offer any compassion. Today she, along with 115 relatives and loved ones sent balloons with handwritten messages of love and memories into the sky for her son to enjoy on his birthday. It was the closest she could come to celebrating what would have been another year of life with her baby.
I’m enjoying each moment. Even the nights when 4 hours of sleep needs to be enough and my new perfume consists of a medley of vomit, poop and pee. But still I’m worried that I’m not doing enough. Each day that passes is another day gone. Another first time finished. I look forward to the future and what it entails but there’s always the glimmer of apprehension. I don’t know what the future holds but do I really want to know? When the mother held her son in her arms for the first time she didn’t know that she would lose him before his 4th birthday, looking back would she have wanted to know? Work isn’t important, petty trivial arguments don’t mean a thing. Life isn’t meant to look back and wish you did it differently or worry about what you missed it’s about enjoying each moment. It’s all we have and really, it’s all I want.